Welcome to Affirm Foundation presented by Princeton ministries with Dr. Ken Smith. This is Carol Smith, Ken’s wife. Please enjoy.

Now those in the 30 minutes, give or take three, that it will take me to deliver this message. Some disturbing things will be happening around our nation in the next 30 minutes. 30 children will attempt suicide 315 children will quit school. 1854 children high school seniors will smoke marijuana. 60 girls between the ages of 15 and 19 will become pregnant. 24 girls will have abortions. In the book of Proverbs, we train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it. In the book of Colossians, chapter 3 verse 21, we read, fathers, do not provoke your children lest they become discouraged. A very practical question that every Christian has to ask is, what is the way that I’m to train my child?

And if I’m a father, what can I do that actually provokes my son or daughter? There are some hints in scripture that give clarity to those questions, but there are also in our generation, some very helpful resources for Christians to help have a clearer picture of how can we train up our child in the way that they should go, that they wouldn’t depart from it when they get older? And how can I not provoke my children? I’m thinking especially of people like James Dobson, for whom I personally, as a parent, am very thankful for many of the principles that he shares as a Christian psychologist to help parents understand a better way of training our children. Other generations have not had such resources.

I’m thankful for Christian bookstores where we can study a number of principles that have been studied in ways that other generations of Christians have not had the benefit. In particular, a book written by Ziglar, how to raise positive children in a Negative World, is a very helpful and practical book to help Christians to understand how they would not provoke their children and how they will train their child. I don’t think any of us, when we first held our little seven or eight-pound baby in our arms and looked and cooed at the child, did we realize that 20 years later that little armful of indanthrene would grow up to a six-footer, 200 pounds? It comes as a surprise when it happens, and I have never met a parent who intentionally was trying to mistrain their child.

Every parent that I have ever met has always meant to give the best training to their children. But there is quite a distance between our intentions and the child that grows to be a man or a woman. There are a number of helpful principles that can be gathered from the abundant resources that are available to us through Christians who have been studying the home. And in the next few moments, I’d like to share some of the common denominator principles that every parent should be aware of in the training and the teaching of your children. The first principle is that parenting is not something that comes easily. Anyone who is a parenthood knows that there is a great price to be paid of time, commitment, toil, and that parents success for your children seldom comes during the process of the actual instruction.

But the success comes later, and that we have a goal of training up our children so that when they are old, when they leave the home, they will have the resources to be able to stand on their own, to know the Lord, to faithfully serve him, and to have those resources. But so often we do not see that blessing until years down the road. Zeiglere, who I have already mentioned, is a speaker, and he comes before all types of groups. One day he had a woman come up to him at the close of a talk, and she said to him reluctantly, Mister Zeigler, for that nice little talk, you make a nice little fee, don’t you? And Ziglar said, smiling, no, ma’am, I don’t know where you got that information from. It simply isn’t true.

You see, I really don’t make a little old fee. I make a big old fee for speaking to this group. Now what he didn’t tell her was that before he could stand in front of a large audience and receive a large fee for speaking, there actually were years where he would drive by himself to a Lions club, a rotary club, a group of ten or twelve people in someone’s living room, and he would go and he would talk to those people. He would share with them the principles that he was learning. For those early years, he seldom received a fee.

As a matter of fact, there were many nights when he would drive many hours to some small group in the basement of a church, give his talk, receive no fee, and at his own expense, drive all the way home, because there wasn’t enough money to pay for a hotel room, the point that he was making. As parents, there are many nights, many days, many years, where we don’t see the immediate payoff with our children, we don’t receive the applause of the congregation, we don’t receive the applause of our children, and day after day we do the tasks that we’re called to do, looking forward to the day when we will receive the payment for all of the work, all of the labor and what is the payment?

It’s that our son or daughter would grow to know Jesus Christ, to marry within the faith, that they would raise their family with the things of Christ, that they would be balanced in their understanding of life. Not to learn these lessons at an early age is counting on disaster. If you will not take the time with your children now, while they are young, while they’re within the confines of your home, while you still have input into their values and their beliefs, if you will not do it, one thing is sure, the world will do it for you. And if we are waiting for the applause as we’re going through the tasks of parenthood, then we misunderstand our responsibility. We do not do it for the applause.

We do it because God has entrusted us with this gift that we should train and teach and encourage the quiet. Teaching. The quiet example that you set in your home will be, in the end, rewarded, as you would see your son or daughter grow into maturity. John Drescher, in signs of the times, tells us that children, by and large, go through three major stages in their moral development. The first is what he refers to as the age of regulation. This is roughly between the ages of one and seven. During this time, children need to know what is expected of them. With clear rules and explanations, we cannot assume that they are adults who understand all that we would want from them.

It’s like the first grader who comes home and says, well, we had a substitute teacher today, and she let us do everything we wanted to. It was terrible. Children in those ages of one to seven do not want an unstructured world where they set all of the criteria. Instead, they would prefer clear regulations, clear principles, to know exactly what path they are to walk, and that as parents, we have that privilege during those early years to be able to instruct them. If parents exercise that instruction, most of the time, your children will respond to your verbal directions. However, there are times when children will not respond to verbal directions. Billy Graham tells about one time when his son was just a little boy, and he says, my son spit at me. And in his own fit of anger, he spit at me again.

And I don’t know, says Billy Graham, where he learned such an ugly habit. But one thing I know for certain, if that boy chews tobacco when he grows up, he’ll swallow the juice. After what I did to him, that he knew at that moment it was not simply verbal direction. Please don’t do that again, son. But at that moment, there was physical correction and something that has been left out all too often. In much of our modern instruction on the raising of children. Is the place for that corporal punishment, that physical punishment, the place of spanking for those young children, as they would not listen to our verbal instruction. Some principles about that spanking. One is that a child should only be spanked if he wilfully disobeys your command. Second, that any physical punishment would be sure and swift.

Third, that you would never spank out of anger. Fourth, that you would never use your hand, but instead use some neutral object like a light ruler. That once that physical punishment has been inflicted. That it would be quickly followed by love and hugs and kisses. That you would communicate to your child that it was the behavior that you were opposed to and not them as a person. The second stage that children go through generally is to be found between the ages of eight and twelve. And it’s called the age of imitation. And this is the time when parents who have given good instruction to their children, but at the same time have set bad examples, will find that it is like bringing good food to your child on the one hand, but on the other hand bringing them poison.

Because all parents know that there is an age that our children reach where our words are not sufficient. They look more at our behavior than at our words. Larry Poland and his wife Donna Lynn, in an article have said this. A child needs to learn by concrete example until around the age of eleven. No amount of scriptural training will counteract totally the example that we parents set. Jesus said in Luke chapter 639 40, can the blind lead the blind? Will they both not fall into the ditch? Everyone who is perfectly trained will be like his teacher. And it is true that your child will grow more like you behave than like you instruct them to behave. The lessons we teach by our example to our children will become the moral values that they will have as adults. You remember Samuel? Samuel who?

His mother Hannah wanted to grow into a man of God. And she dedicated him. And it was her great desire and her example that was continually at work in the life of young Samuel. We learn that Samuel was brought and lived among the priests. And each year his mother would bring to him a robe that she by hand had put together. And that an example of godliness from his mother was of tremendous value in the formation of the values of Samuel as he would grow into manhood. The love and the dedication of his mother. Her example had great influence. Several weeks ago, our family, I’m sure, just like yours, struggles with the question of television. And were having a conversation with our three sons. And we have set up certain criteria, that there’s no television during the week while homework is due.

But then the other problem is that sometimes you’re watching television and the storyline suddenly shifts. And suddenly a story that began quite innocently has a theme that’s developed. And what do you do at that moment? Well, I was telling my three sons, if it gets number one, too violent or number two, too mushy, then change the channel. Sometimes I’m not there and they have to make the decision. Well, several nights later, we are watching a story on television and the storyline continues. And as so often happens, there is an abrupt left turn, as suddenly it got too mushy. And all three of my sons at that moment turned their heads to me, as though to ask, well, dad, what are you going to do? And I got up and I changed the channel.

But had I not, that example would have been far louder than the instruction that I would give my children. The third principle in the stages of the moral development of your children is that around the age of 13, your child begins to enter a new phase. That is a phase which has been referred to as the stage of inspiration that hopefully by now you have placed within your child enough of your values and beliefs by not only your words, but by your example, so that now they are able to look ahead and to set for themselves goals for their life. And that around the age of 13, 1415, that you would begin incorporating into your children through meaningful conversations, some inspiring purpose for their life.

It may have to do with an occupation, a ministry, their families, but during those years, it’s very important that you give them a high calling of purpose and inspiration. Another principle for all parents is that we would become good finders in our children. At one time, Dale Carnegie had 43 millionaires working for him. And in those days, a millionaire was a rare commodity. A reporter asked Carnegie how he could afford to have 43 millionaires on his staff. Carnegie said, these men weren’t millionaires when they began working for me. They became millionaires while working for me. The reporter then asked, how did you develop these men to become so valuable to you that you would pay them a million dollars for their services? Carnegie said, men are developed the same way gold is mined.

When gold is mined, several tons of dirt must be removed to get it. 1oz of gold. But one doesn’t go into the mine looking for dirt. You go into the mine looking for gold. And that’s the way parenting ought to be. There is around our children enough behavior that we are not satisfied with, that we could spend all of our days negatively instructing our children. But God has placed in your son or daughter some gift, some ability, some ounce of that you must look for and develop and nurture and encourage. A study conducted by the National Parents Teachers organization shows that in the average American school, there are 18 negative commandments given before. There is one positive observation. The Wisconsin study showed that 80% of first graders have a good self image by the time they are in the 6th grade.

Only 10% had a good self image. So often as parents and as teachers, we emphasize those things which we are disappointed in, as opposed to taking those areas of strength and encouraging those and letting the Lord use those gifts. And I believe just as we need to feed our children three times a day, we also need to feed our children with those positive abilities that God has given them and to encourage them in those areas. Finally, parents need to give their children time. There is a myth that goes something like this. I don’t have a lot of time for my children, and so quantity isn’t important. It’s just quality time that I’m after. Well, it’s my observation as apparent that quality time comes as a result of quantity time.

If you do nothing, give quantity time to your children, you won’t even recognize when the quality moment is there. As a pastor, I struggle with this. I could spend every evening out visiting people. I could spend all day in the office. But I have made a decision that come 330 every day, I will be home, and I’ll be home between 330 and 07:00 every day. Why? Because that time has to be given to my family, that no amount of ministry is worth the price of seeing my family fall apart, and that each of us has to make a decision as to that quantity time so that we might have quality time. Our little girl, Mary has chicken pox. That’s why she’s not here. I’m sure a lot of you are wondering where Mary is. Mary, who is three.

And one thing about chicken pox is it requires quantity time 24 hours a day. So throughout the day, Carol has spent her time in quantity, giving little Mary six, eight baths to relieve the itching and nursing her. And I have determined to be around to help in that process. And it’s only in the quantity time that one moment occurs of quality. Two nights ago, the itching was tremendous, and about 12:00 from her little bed, Mary said, my chickens itch. I need a bath. And so Carol took her and gave her a bath. Now it’s 130. And she said, my chickens itch. Come rock and sing. And so I said, well, I’ll go. And so we rocked and sang for a few moments. And then 20 minutes later, my chickens itch. Someone bring me a glass of water.
And so I brought her a glass of water. And then an hour later, my chickens itch. I need a bath. And so I took her at 03:00 in the morning, filled a tub, and there she floated as all of the chickens stopped itching and submerged with only her face looking out of the water. She looked at me and she said, you have a nice face. I love you. That moment between a father and his daughter only occurs because a father was willing to give quantity time, that the Lord would take a moment and repay it with quality time. And to all fathers, I would say, you struggle with this issue for the good of your family. You must give quantity time to your wife, to your children, to the end that our families would be strong. Let us pray.

Our God and our father help us to be good Christian parents. Help us not to provoke our children. Provoke them because weren’t there to provoke them, because we didn’t understand them. Help us instead to train up our children. Help us, we pray, to be there to give that time to our families to the end that Christ might be honored and that Christ would be the king of each of our houses. For we ask it in Jesus name. Amen.

Thank you for listening to a firm foundation presented by Princeton Ministries. This programming is supported by you, the listener. You may go to our website, princetonministries.org, or send your donation to Princeton ministries, post office box 2171, Princeton, New Jersey 08543. That’s Princeton Ministries, post office box 2171, Princeton, New Jersey 08543. The Lord bless you, and Dr. Smith looks forward to hearing from you.